The One Thing I Can Control
by SailorSpice7
Summary: Haunting memories return and plague Quistis' soul. What did happen to her in her childhood? And how does she cope? I believe this issue should be addressed more often...
1. Default Chapter

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
By SailorSpice7  
  
Chapter 1  
  
  
  
Why do I have to be so perfect?  
  
Why do I have to be such a perfectionist?  
  
I have flaws.  
  
More than anyone will ever know…  
  
  
  
Sitting at the table in the cafeteria. Alone, as usual. The typical routine this had turned out to be. How could someone be so popular, yet so alone? No, popularity was the wrong word. But what about the people who called themselves her fan club? They didn't count. They didn't make her happy like real friends. Perhaps at one time they did make her content. But it was more of an amusement than anything. Now they just annoyed her. They didn't know her. They didn't care about her emotions.  
  
Briskly pulling out her compact, she gazed into her empty reflection. Those sad eyes stared back. Crying for help, a reaching hand that understands.  
  
"Urgh!" She yelled, stabbing her fork into her lettuce.  
  
I don't have to look good.  
  
I don't care how others view me.  
  
Or do I?  
  
I'm not beautiful…  
  
  
  
"Hiya Quisty!"  
  
Quistis quickly slid her compact back into her handbag. It was that slightly annoying, yet always vibrant voice of Selphie.  
  
"Hello Selphie," the blonde quickly responded with no emotion.  
  
How does she do it?  
  
Can someone really be so satisfied with themselves?  
  
Is she covering up, like I attempted to?  
  
She has to be…  
  
  
  
Selphie peered at Quistis. She had been watching her. Quistis had been sitting there for half an hour and hadn't taken a bite. Normally, she would have that ingested in less than five minutes. Then be on the run to wherever she had to be. That was the normal workaholic rush. But today, something was different. But Selphie didn't want to make it too obvious she knew something was wrong.  
  
"So what do you want?" Quistis bitterly asked, pulling her hair back.  
  
"What do I want?" Selphie repeated, slightly giggling.  
  
"To talk to you of course! Isn't that what friends do?"  
  
How should I know?  
  
Friends are one of the many things I don't have.  
  
I've never been able to 'talk' to anyone.  
  
Why should I start now?  
  
  
  
"I suppose." She flatly responded. She set her fork down and looked up as Selphie sat down across from her. They sat in silence for a few distinct moments.  
  
"Selphie…do you have any insecurities?" Quistis blurted.  
  
"What?" Selphie tilted her head. Is THAT what was bugging her? She never really thought about that. Quistis…insecure?  
  
"Of course, that's like asking if I'm human." Selphie responded. 'Was that a comforting answer?' She asked herself.  
  
No one needs me.  
  
I'm not even good enough to be an instructor.  
  
Do I really belong?  
  
I wish I could just disappear…  
  
  
  
1 "I just…" Quistis looked up at Selphie. Did she really want to say? Would Selphie laugh it off, and say the usual "Oh Quistis, you're perfect stop worrying so much"?  
  
"I don't feel needed, that's all," Quistis lied. That was part of it. But surely not all of her emotionally stripping problems.  
  
"Not needed?" Selphie asked.  
  
"We all need you. You're important to me. I look up to you. Yes, we all need you. As a friend more than anything." Selphie answered, trying out her serious side.  
  
There was that word again. Friend. Friendship? Selphie would know. She had plenty of friends. People cared about her for who she was. Not because they wanted to be seen with a young instructor. Something about her made everyone want to be around her. While Quistis seemed to intimidate people instead. What about love? All Quistis ever wanted was love. But what she thought was love, turned out to be Rinoa's star instead. Love came second hand to depression. She didn't need that. She didn't need anything. Quistis looked down to her tray.  
  
Food.  
  
I may not be able to control what others do to me.  
  
But I can control food.  
  
I don't need to eat.  
  
I bet I could go all day without food…  
  
  
  
Selphie worriedly watched as the former Instructor stood up, and dumped her Styrofoam tray full of salad into the garbage. 


	2. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 2  
  
  
  
Why do I feel so exhausted?  
  
I am just a frail weakling.  
  
Can I carry on?  
  
1 I've lasted this long…  
  
  
  
Quistis angrily moaned after dropping a textbook. One book, that was it. Anyone could carry that load. At least she could, previous to now. After retrieving the book, Quistis power walked down the hall. Zell walked past her, yet she didn't even gaze at him. Her mind seemed so distant from here.  
  
"There she goes again…" Zell thought as he watched her.  
  
"With that look on her face. Like she's never hurt, or never down." He shook his head confused. Over the past few weeks, he had grown more worried about her. Quistis looked so much more fragile lately. No, that wasn't it. She looked like a pale skeleton.  
  
  
  
"Yes! I'm so excited!" Rinoa jumped up. Squall and Irvine observed her with confused and amused glances.  
  
"A couple months ago Quistis promised to take me to the Fire Cavern. And the day has finally come!" She explained.  
  
The two men nodded, but then Squall objected.  
  
"Wait, she isn't an instructor anymore, is she even allowed to take you?" he asked. Rinoa shrugged.  
  
"I don't know…oh yeah! I asked Cid and he said since she is of high rank its still alright."  
  
Irvine shrugged. "Do you think she wants to take you? Quistis has been keeping to herself lately."  
  
Rinoa and Squall looked at each other. Was she? They had never noticed. Quistis was always keeping herself occupied with work; they barely got to talk much anyway.  
  
Irvine continued. "Well, I have to go meet Selphie in the Quad." He reminded himself. "See ya!" he yelled, running off.  
  
"What did he mean by that?" Rinoa asked Squall, who said he didn't know.  
  
"…She hasn't come to get me yet…" Rinoa worriedly looked at the clock on the wall. "Well, it's been a really long time since she promised me. She is so busy, she probably forgot. I'll go see if she's in her room. Wish me luck." Rinoa briskly kissed Squall. Then she ran to Quistis' room.  
  
Rinoa loudly knocked on the door.  
  
What do they want?  
  
They can't help me.  
  
Nothing anyone could offer can replace this hurt.  
  
Why can't they all fade away?  
  
  
  
"What?" Quistis grumpily asked.  
  
"Hey, it's me, Rinoa. Can I come in?"  
  
When there was no response, Rinoa stepped inside the dorm. Quistis was sitting in her room on her bed. Rinoa observed the 18 year old. Her clothes, which used to be rather figure hugging seemed rather loose. Rinoa shook her head and looked again. Quistis' vestments were really baggy. Her cheeks protruded, her elbows and knees stuck out appallingly. To Rinoa, it was rather sickening now that she actually looked long and hard at her frail body.  
  
"Umm…" Rinoa stared at Quistis who didn't return her gaze.  
  
"You promised to take me to the Fire Cavern a while ago. You didn't come get me…I figured you must have forgotten or something. So I figured I'd come get you." Rinoa hurriedly spilled. Feeling a bit uncomfortable.  
  
2 I made an empty promise?  
  
So what?  
  
How could I be of any help to her?  
  
Rinoa can just go by herself…  
  
  
  
'What's up with her? Irvine was right….' Rinoa thought to herself.  
  
Quistis seemed so unapproachable now. Actually, she had been rather distant these past couple months. Rather thin too. Rinoa took a step closer.  
  
"Do you wanna get something to eat before we go? I haven't eaten since Breakfast, and I'm starving." Rinoa said.  
  
Quistis shook her head.  
  
"Have you had anything to eat at all today?" Rinoa peered. From the looks of it, Quistis hadn't had a decent meal in far too long.  
  
"I had an apple…" Quistis lied. She didn't need people getting on her case. She turned her head to look into the mirror. What was Rinoa's problem? As far as she could tell, she looked perfectly normal.  
  
Rinoa reached into her pocket and found a candy bar. She pulled it out, and broke off a piece. After licking some chocolate from her fingers, she offered a bit to Quistis.  
  
You're so dependent on food.  
  
That's not going to make you happy.  
  
Don't you dare expect me to eat that.  
  
Unlike you, I'm in control…  
  
  
  
The sight of food made Quistis ill.  
  
"No thanks." She flatly denied Rinoa's gift.  
  
Deciding there was nothing better than the direct approach, Rinoa got down on her hands and knees. Feeling her hand around under the bed, she soon pulled out the scale. After wiping the dust off of it, she stepped onto it.  
  
"120 pounds…not bad. Your turn." Rinoa got off and motioned for Quistis to mount the scale.  
  
"I refuse to weigh myself," Quistis said. She knew what Rinoa was trying to prove. She didn't have a problem.  
  
"Then I'll weigh you," Rinoa smiled. She grabbed Quistis and practically threw her on the scale.  
  
"90 pounds?!?!" Rinoa looked at Quistis, then at the scale, then back to Quistis. 'But…isn't she 5 foot 6??' Rinoa thought. Now she knew, Quistis did need help.  
  
"What?" Quistis arrogantly asked. Although she knew exactly why Rinoa was freaking out. Rinoa stuttered. How could she ask that? It was quite obvious what was going on. She mentally searched her mind for the right words to say.  
  
"You're…Quistis you're starving yourself. You're way too underweight. You need food, you need help-"  
  
"Please leave." Quistis coldly requested. She didn't intend to listen to this.  
  
Rinoa reached out to Quistis, but her hand was slapped away. Shocked, Rinoa took a step back.  
  
Quistis had never lashed out at her like that.  
  
"But Quistis, I just want to help you!"  
  
"GET OUT!!"  
  
Rinoa stood wide-eyed. Quistis had never yelled at her like that before either. Maybe scolded, but never yelled out of such anger or frustration. She seemed mad at the world. Almost possessed. Her body wasn't suffering, her soul was.  
  
Rinoa spoke up again.  
  
"Quistis, if you ever need to talk, you know I'm always-"  
  
Before Rinoa knew it, Quistis had pushed her to the ground, and was towering over her with the trademark whip in hand. Too frightened to do anything else, Rinoa quickly got up and ran out of the room. She shut the door behind herself and sat in the hallway, leaning against the outside of Quistis' door. Throwing her whip to the door, Quistis screamed.  
  
"I DON'T NEED ANYONE!!" 


	3. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 3  
  
Wondering if the events that just occurred were all part of some sick nightmare, Rinoa scanned the book she had just picked up off the shelf.  
  
  
  
"Anorexia is most common among teenage girls who can best be described as 'perfectionists'. This condition has several emotional side effects as well as physical. It is also…"  
  
  
  
Rinoa set her pencil down and ruffled her fingers through her hair.  
  
"The ones who seem like they have everything going for them? The 'perfect' people? The reason behind every individual may be different? …Not always related to weight…? …What's Quistis' reason?"  
  
Her train of thought was broken when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see Squall looking at her with a stern look of concern. She realized that she had vocalized all those thoughts. Rinoa breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the Library was empty.  
  
"What are we going to do?" Rinoa pleaded to Squall. He stared back at her. They were both desperate to help their friend. Rinoa hugged Squall tightly.  
  
"There has to be something…" she said.  
  
Squall lightly stroked her hair, lost in thought. Why hadn't he, or the others spoken up before her condition had gotten so serious? All he could do was sigh.  
  
"Come on…let's go talk to the others," Squall decided.  
  
Rinoa nodded, wiping her eyes.  
  
  
  
Can't they get it through their heads?  
  
They don't want to help me.  
  
Maybe they do, and I'm just a burden.  
  
What if the others saw me now?  
  
  
  
Quistis sat dry eyed on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Clutching her only comfort, her pillow, she cursed aloud to herself. Throwing the silky pillow to the floor, she pulled her gloves off. No tears formed in her eyes. She had forgotten how to cry a very long time ago. Those long nights of pain and loneliness…crying never solved anything. No one could take back what had happened to her. So they didn't have to pretend they could. Looking worse than a shipwreck, Quistis decided to take a shower. Wishing she could wash away the guilt and anxiety as easily as the dirt.  
  
After a brief attempt to refresh herself, she stepped out of the shower. Quistis grabbed a towel, dried her body and then wrapped it around herself. Something in the corner of her eye grabbed her attention. Turning her head, she faced the foggy mirror. Using her towel, she wiped it off. There it was. Her greatest enemy. It wasn't food. It was herself.  
  
I don't even want to look at that ugly thing.  
  
Have I ever known why I'm here?  
  
What's the point of existence?  
  
To be hurt…and then to die?  
  
  
  
Quistis felt her collarbone, then her ribs.  
  
"What a pathetic sight…" She thought out loud.  
  
But what could anyone do to what had happened? They couldn't erase the past.  
  
And now she had to live with all that hate.  
  
Feeling slightly dizzy, Quistis shook her head.  
  
She was quite used to these spells. Normally she just shook them off or ignored them. But this time, it felt more overpowering. Leaning over the sink, she fought to keep her body standing. Her elbows shook. Breaking into a sweat, she grabbed a face cloth. But before she could use it a blackness overcame her mind. Moving her arms around to find something to grab onto, Quistis knocked over several glass bottles to the floor. She soon gave up and her body fell to the bathroom floor with a thud. 


	4. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 4  
  
  
  
"WHAT?! WHY ME?!" Zell shrieked.  
  
"You said you cared, didn't you?" Irvine asked.  
  
"This is serious Zell, come on!" Selphie yelled.  
  
"All the more reason why you shouldn't send me!" Zell contradicted.  
  
"Pleeeeease Zell?" Rinoa begged. "You're one of the last people she would expect to confront her."  
  
"If you and Selphie couldn't get to her what makes you think I can?" Zell asked.  
  
Rinoa shrugged and looked at Squall. He too shrugged and looked at the others.  
  
"Come on man. Okay, I'll go with you." Irvine offered.  
  
Zell secretly wanted to help Quistis. More than anything. He was just too scared to confront her. He didn't want Quistis to bust out at him. Like the episode with Rinoa that happened just a few hours ago.  
  
"Fine," Zell reluctantly agreed.  
  
"Good luck guys," Selphie cheered them.  
  
Zell and Irvine hurriedly walked to Quistis' room.  
  
"Hey, if it's locked do you think she'll let us in?" Zell wondered.  
  
"I don't know, maybe. Let's hope so," Irvine responded.  
  
They reached the door, and Irvine took his hat off. Zell took a deep breath.  
  
"Here goes nothing," he said as he knocked on the door.  
  
…No answer.  
  
The two looked at each other. Irvine motioned for them to go in.  
  
Zell turned the knob and easily pushed the door open.  
  
"Quistis?" Irvine called her name.  
  
…No answer.  
  
"Is Rinoa sure she's here?" Irvine asked, walking in. Zell checked her bedroom. "Well, she isn't in her bedroom." He observed.  
  
He looked at her bed. The sheets were ruffled and misplaced. A few feet away he found her pillow on the floor. Picking it up, he felt its silky exterior. Looking at it, he saw mascara smears. Zell even smelled it, recognizing the faint scent of the perfume she always wore.  
  
Zell sighed, and tossed the pillow on the bed.  
  
"Holy Hyne!"  
  
At the sound of Irvine's outburst, Zell went to go see what the problem was. Entering the bathroom, Zell pushed Irvine aside so he could see.  
  
"What…the HELL happened?!" Zell yelled, shocked.  
  
Quistis' body lay sprawled on the floor, atop several miniscule shreds of glass. Assorted liquids and cotton balls covered the floor. Her body was tightly wrapped in a towel. And a facecloth next to her right hand. Her hair was soaked, and it covered her pale face. She appeared dead, helpless beyond all means.  
  
"Unbelievable…" Irvine sighed as he and Zell ran to her body.  
  
"Is she alive? Check her pulse." They checked her pulse. It was faint, but present.  
  
"Let's get her to the nurse." Irvine suggested. They picked her up, noticing the small, bloody cuts on her upper back.  
  
"…She's so light..." Irvine observed as he carried her body.  
  
What could Dr. Kadowski do for Quistis? There was obviously something seriously wrong. Would she even accept help when she awoke? If she awoke?  
  
Several peering eyes met those of Zell and Irvine. The two rushed past the curious students. Irvine attempted to keep the towel covering Quistis' body. One junior pointed and asked what was wrong with "Instructor Trepy". Zell did his best to ignore the spectators, and only focus on helping Quistis before her time was up. He knew very well the first step was getting her to admit she had a problem. But they all knew Quistis was unaccustomed to being wrong. But was she wrong? Maybe she was just getting in touch with herself. No, starving yourself isn't right. What was she trying to prove?  
  
Irvine lightly lay Quistis onto the bed in the infirmary. He told Dr. Kadowski what they saw. She briskly nodded while putting the typical paper robe on the thin woman.  
  
"Quistis isn't normally this thin…" Dr. Kadowski observed. She hadn't seen Quistis in well over a month.  
  
"She's severely underweight…What's happened to her?" The doctor continued.  
  
"She was so beautiful."  
  
Irvine looked down to the floor.  
  
"Do we really have to say it?" Zell pleaded.  
  
"Quistis…she's anorexic," he explained. His voice cracked.  
  
"Please say you can help her." 


	5. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 5  
  
  
  
What happened?  
  
Where am I?  
  
Did I really have to return to consciousness?  
  
Total oblivion felt so good…  
  
Quistis almost gagged. There was a thick tube running down her throat. Vaguely aware of her surroundings, she was still able to perceive what happened.  
  
'I must have passed out,' she thought. It was also obvious to her that they pumped food into her stomach. The thought sickened Quistis. Her stomach turned. Quistis was about to throw up whether there was a tube running down her throat or not. She sat up, violently ripped the tubes out of her mouth and nose, and threw up over the side of the bed.  
  
Gazing down at the tile floor, and the liquid mess she caused. Her eyes suddenly filled with constant, salty tears. One after another they slid off her face and onto the white floor. She loudly sobbed for what seemed like an eternity. Until someone finally came to her side. She didn't bother to look at who it was. Her mind was too foggy, and her vision was blurred.  
  
The burning sensation followed up her chest and throat. Along with a deep pain, caused from pulling out the tube. The other person, ignoring the fact she was a mess, sat next to her on the bed. The stranger wrapped two arms around her, and leaned her head onto their chest.  
  
Why attempt to offer me warmth now?  
  
I'm just a lost cause.  
  
It's all over for me.  
  
I can't do anything...  
  
  
  
Being one of the first times she cried in her entire life, Quistis let it all go. Thinking she had forgotten how to cry, she previously refused to try. Sometimes the tears built up, but had no release. Maybe she didn't wish to appear childish. It didn't matter anymore, they all knew. Her bony fingers clung to the arms of her comforter. She remained unaware of the other five bodies watching.  
  
The familiar texture of leather…  
  
After realizing just who it was embracing her, she tried to pull away. The situation was too embarrassing for her to handle. But he was holding onto her too tight. They weren't going to let her runaway any longer. Although all this time, she convinced herself she was confronting her fears. They obviously disagreed.  
  
Quistis hadn't noticed Dr. Kadowski cleaned up the floor. She felt too close to passing out again.  
  
"Quistis…?" The origin of the voice still held onto her. But then he lightly pulled her away.  
  
You look so brave.  
  
And I look so helpless.  
  
But it's supposed to be the other way.  
  
I'm supposed to be protecting you…  
  
Quistis struggled to hold her head up. She scanned the beautiful face. The slanted scar that never healed. The smoky blue eyes staring back at her. They looked so frightened. Was he really scared for her? She couldn't decide whether to believe it or not.  
  
"Quistis, we want to help you." Squall stated.  
  
Quistis looked around the room. Seeing Rinoa, Zell, Selphie and Irvine made it even worse for her.  
  
"You can't…you can't…" Quistis repeated. She began shaking her head repeatedly. As if she was delusional. Rinoa stood up, teary eyed.  
  
"We can't unless you tell us… What's bothering you?"  
  
Quistis wanted to forget the awful memories. The horror and hate. Resurfacing them, and telling these people? It hurt too much. They couldn't know her past. It was over. So why did she continue to let her bitterness control her?  
  
"No…no…no…" She stubbornly shook her head. Squall tried to hold her still. But Quistis pushed his hands away. She continued to shake her head at a faster pace.  
  
"No!" Quistis screamed. And it was then she once again broke down. Crying into her sheets. Squall looked helplessly at the others. What were they going to do? Quistis seemed hysterical.  
  
Irvine shifted uncomfortably. Zell looked up when he heard Quistis mumbling something into her blanket.  
  
"He…he…" She cried into the bed.  
  
Rinoa walked up and leaned over Quistis. She rubbed her back.  
  
"Who? Quistis, it's alright."  
  
I was hurt.  
  
I was abused.  
  
I was hated.  
  
I was taken over, in the worst way…  
  
  
  
Quistis looked up and stared at the corner of the room. Rinoa followed her gaze but saw nothing. There was only nothingness. Then Quistis burst out.  
  
"I was only a child!"  
  
Rinoa jumped back, shocked. But she, too, sat on the bed. Quistis curled into a fetal position as she continued to sob. Rinoa hugged her and tried to soothe her.  
  
"It's all right now…" Rinoa glanced to the others.  
  
The little hints Quistis was dropping confused Zell. But he sensed he had an idea. Squall posed his infamous thought gesture. Irvine cleared his throat.  
  
Quistis continued to mumble between her loud sobs.  
  
"…Poor girl…" Rinoa whispered. "What did he do? …You can tell us."  
  
Can I tell anyone?  
  
I don't need comfort.  
  
I need revenge.  
  
My burning hatred needs release…  
  
  
  
"…He…"  
  
Selphie stood up and inconspicuously slid out the door. 


	6. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 6  
  
The soft hum of the lift persistently continued. She tried to straighten her skirt and smooth her hair. Growing impatient, she tapped her foot until, finally, the top floor. There was a loud "ding" and then the glass door slid open.  
  
"I hope she's here…"  
  
Peering around, she looked for the person she was looking for.  
  
"Selphie!" She heard a voice yell.  
  
Selphie turned around and faced just the person she was looking for.  
  
"Matron! I'm so glad you're here!"  
  
"I know, I haven't seen you in such a long time! We're either fixing up the orphanage, or Cid drags me to a business trip." Edea laughed. "How are things?" She stared at Selphie, and noticed there seemed to be less bounce in her step.  
  
"What's wrong Selphie?"  
  
"Can you tell me about Quistis?" Selphie asked.  
  
"Oh, Quistis! How is she doing?"  
  
"Uhh…not so good," Selphie responded. "Can you tell me, when did Quistis come to the orphanage?"  
  
"Very young…" Edea recalled. "She wasn't two years old."  
  
Selphie thought for a minute. "When was she adopted?"  
  
"Oh, about eight years of age. By a man who already had one daughter. So I assumed she was going to a good home, but…"  
  
"But what?" Selphie quickly interrupted. "It's really important that we know."  
  
"Has Quistis told you anything about her past?" Edea first asked.  
  
"Uhh…only that things didn't go well at her adopted home, so she went to Balamb."  
  
Matron remained pensive for a few minutes.  
  
"When you all started getting your memories back, she must have remembered…"  
  
"Remembered what?" Selphie wondered.  
  
"Well, one stormy night, I heard a light pounding at the door. I got out of bed to find a young Quistis, a couple years older at my door. Her body…she was frail and bruised…badly. She never cried…only remained very quiet. I don't think she ever spoke. I took care of her as long as I could. But she soon got over the age limit, and the orphanage was getting full. So I had no choice but to send her to a military school like Balamb Garden."  
  
Selphie remained quiet for a few moments.  
  
"…I wonder what awful things that man could have done."  
  
Edea sadly sighed. "I wish there was more I could have done."  
  
"Edea, will you come with me to see Quistis?" Selphie asked. "Maybe seeing you would comfort her."  
  
The sorceress nodded, and the two entered the elevator. 


	7. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 7  
  
  
  
Why was it me?  
  
I must be fate's toy.  
  
Broken, and going to the dump.  
  
No one will ever hurt me again...  
  
  
  
How many hours had they been in the room? Rinoa looked up at the clock. It ticked…and ticked. Maybe an hour or two? They had lost track of the minutes. Time passed, but Quistis' sadness remained stationary. Rinoa looked down to her who was restlessly sleeping. She looked so disturbed. Quistis had cried herself to sleep in front of them all. Rinoa tugged at Squall's jacket.  
  
They all waited.  
  
They realized they were missing their classes. But that didn't matter. It could be made up. Or not. Rinoa and Irvine looked at each other. Their important SeeD training would have to wait. No one was in the proper state of mind anyway. But Quistis was far more important to them than any class. Irvine wondered where Selphie had been all this time. But she hadn't missed much.  
  
Quistis had gone through a vicious cycle. Cry, scream, sleep and awaken…Cry, scream, sleep and awaken. Now they were waiting for her to awaken again. And her insane raves to continue.  
  
There was a squeaking of hinges, and Selphie along with Edea walked into the room. Four pairs of eyes looked up at them.  
  
"Where have you been?" Irvine whispered to Selphie. He bowed to Edea. She smiled and returned the form of respect.  
  
"We had Headmaster Cid and Dr. Kadowski look up some old records on Quistis," Selphie explained.  
  
Irvine, Rinoa and Zell nodded. No one bothered asking why. They were too worried about Quistis now. Not the old her.  
  
"What exactly is wrong with her?" Edea asked. Selphie had avoided that question the whole time she and Matron were together. Edea walked over to Quistis' bedside.  
  
"Oh my…" she gasped, looking at the body.  
  
Squall shook his head and wrapped his arms around Rinoa. This situation seemed so unreal. How did they let this happen?  
  
"What happened to Quistis when she was younger?" Rinoa asked. She guessed Edea might have some idea. Zell and Irvine shuddered at the though. Selphie sat down next to Irvine and nervously tapped her foot. They waited for the response.  
  
"We think she may have been abused…or worse."  
  
The others felt a strange sense of guilt. It was that obvious. From the way Quistis had been talking. She might have seemed crazy, but they knew what she meant. Why hadn't she told anyone before? Solitary confinement was far worse that any embarrassment she could have ever faced.  
  
"She kept it to herself all this time…" Zell mused.  
  
"No wonder why she always felt she had to prove herself…she was coming from a place where she was nothing. That, or maybe she tried to cover it up. Or even keep herself busy, and push it aside." Selphie said.  
  
Rinoa joined in on the thought. "But not telling anyone keeps everything bottled up inside. It keeps the person from being able to express things. It silences their spirit…and they can't tell anyone…for fear of rejection, or…" Rinoa sighed.  
  
Quistis suddenly stirred in her bed. With Edea in front, everyone ran to her bedside. Quistis turned and lay on her back. Her fists clenched, and she began to move her mouth. Most of the time it was inaudible and incoherent. Matron held one of her hands and tried to awaken her.  
  
"Don't, it's dangerous to wake up someone dreaming like that." Irvine cautioned.  
  
But Edea didn't have to wake her up. Quistis opened her eyes, and upon seeing her nanny standing over her, she cried.  
  
"Matron…please…" 


	8. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap. 8  
  
  
  
Someone that cares about me.  
  
Someone who loves me.  
  
Matron loves me.  
  
She took care of me…  
  
  
  
"Quistis, baby, I'm here." Matron said. She caught herself calling Quistis "Baby". Quistis wasn't a baby anymore. They were all grown up. Even though now she seemed as vulnerable as any child. Edea looked at Quistis' pink, puffy eyes. She looked so alone and desperate. Edea remembered that face. It was the face of the girl who showed up at her door on that dark, stormy night eight years ago. Eight years, and she was still suffering. Quistis was still waiting to be released.  
  
"…My…mother…" They all heard Quistis say.  
  
"Oh baby," Matron sat Quistis up and hugged her. She had been the closest thing to a mother Quistis ever had. She took care of her when no one else wanted her. She gave her a home. She gave her love. The two cried together. Edea rocked Quistis back and forth, humming a sweet melody.  
  
"That song…" Irvine remembered. He heard that before. The others recognized it also, except for Rinoa, who seemed confused.  
  
"Matron used to sing that to me…after Sis left." Squall explained. Rinoa nodded.  
  
"I remember…" Zell said. "She would hum that to me whenever I was crying. Usually when Seifer was making fun of me."  
  
When is that last time I felt so at peace?  
  
Have I ever been at peace?  
  
I lived in doubt for so long…  
  
Will I ever discover who I am?  
  
  
  
This was, perhaps, the first time anyone had ever hugged Quistis. And she didn't reject it, contrary to everything else. In some weird way, it helped her to feel much better. Why was Edea acting this way? Because she felt guilty? Because she felt responsible? But Edea had always cared for her. Quistis had just been too blind to realize it.  
  
Edea gently pulled the hair out of Quistis' eyes.  
  
"Quistis…it's alright. We're all here to help you. We all care about you, so please let us help you."  
  
Rinoa and Selphie vigorously nodded with tears in their eyes.  
  
"But…I know it's hard, and you don't want to…" Edea started. "But you have to tell us what it is. Release it, just let it go. You'll feel better. It's burdening you; and chaining you down, isn't it?"  
  
Yes, it is.  
  
You have no idea.  
  
It weighs me down like a ton.  
  
Somebody, pray for me…  
  
  
  
All Quistis could manage was a slight nod.  
  
"And I promise, that it won't leave this room." The rest of the crew nodded. Zell stepped forward.  
  
"Quistis, no one should have to go through whatever it was you did. But it was that person's mistake, not yours. And that doesn't make you a mistake either."  
  
"He's right," Rinoa chimed in.  
  
Quistis meekly looked at them. Even Squall and Selphie had stern looks of concern.  
  
"Whenever you're ready," Matron said.  
  
Quistis sighed. Would it help? She opened her mouth. Her bottom lip quivered. No…she wasn't going to cry. She would face it right now. Quistis lightly shook her head, attempting to shake off the dizzy spell. The others watched with anxious eyes.  
  
"The…the man who adopted me…" Quistis started.  
  
"He…" Silent tears streaked her face. How could she attempt to explain the things he did to her?  
  
"For so long…he… He hurt me…he hit me… He hated me." Quistis sobbed.  
  
"…He did whatever he wanted to me…" she said, not wishing to go into detail. "All I ever wanted was to go back to the orphanage!" Quistis screamed above her lungs. Her voice cracked, as she clenched her sheets and cried into the night.  
  
The others exchanged glances. Why hadn't she told anyone? The GF's must have erased her memory over time. But when she gained her memory back, Quistis just let it eat at her until there was nothing left. But they weren't going to judge her. None of them had come from the perfect home.  
  
"And you did…" Edea said. "I remember that night. Quistis, I'm so sorry."  
  
She knew "sorry" wasn't going to take everything back. "Sorry" wasn't going to erase those days and nights of torture and torment.  
  
It's not your fault the powers hate me.  
  
I don't have to prove myself.  
  
But I will conquer this.  
  
I will overcome, the right way...  
  
  
  
Cid walked into the room. Instead of scolding Rinoa and Irvine for skipping classes, he briskly walked over to Edea and Quistis. Placing a hand on his wife, and the other on Quistis, he spoke.  
  
"Ms. Trepe, you have much potential, and you are an amazing, talented individual. Please, allow me to do all that I can for you."  
  
Selphie looked down to the records they had looked up. Dr. Kadowski's did show Quistis had come to Garden with multiple injuries. Her former instructor's notes stated that at first she seldom spoke, but was always studious.  
  
She worked hard to prove herself, and to get her mind off of her past. But then, she really had forgotten because of the GF's. It was about a year after she began junctioning them that there was a change in her. She became more open and talkative. It seemed to make sense.  
  
I thought I knew the key.  
  
It was the one thing I could control.  
  
But I was still wrong.  
  
I took things way out of proportion…  
  
  
  
Rinoa pushed Squall forward. She motioned for him to talk to Quistis.  
  
"What am I going to say?" he thought.  
  
Squall couldn't help but stare at Quistis. All the years they had known each other, and he had never seen her like this. She always knew how to take care of herself. She always knew just what to do. And she was always getting on his case about something, his imperfections. While ignoring her own.  
  
"Quistis…we've known each other for quite a while, and you've taught me a lot of things. Discipline, maturity, conduct, and most importantly…that people do care about you. Whether you want them to or not."  
  
Squall glanced at Rinoa, who smiled and nodded.  
  
Selphie gave two thumbs up. He exhaled with relief. Edea was right, letting things out did help him feel much better. Quistis knew he was trying to reach out to her. And she appreciated his effort.  
  
"Let's put all of this behind us, and continue on." Edea started.  
  
"Just be yourself."  
  
Be myself?  
  
Is that possible?  
  
How can I?  
  
When I don't even know who I am… 


	9. 

The One Thing I Can Control  
  
Chap.9  
  
I must find myself.  
  
I must find the way.  
  
But where is the right path?  
  
There are far too many roads to travel…  
  
Quistis watched Zell as he scarfed down three hot dogs. As soon as she blinked, another had disappeared.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want another one?" Zell asked her.  
  
She looked down to her tray. All she had eaten was half of hers. Quistis had forgotten how much normal people enjoyed food. The others said her portions weren't enough to feed a starving Bite Bug. But as stupid as it might sound, she had to wean herself onto 'normal' helpings. Quistis knew it was working. She no longer felt the urge to give up the food. Everyone had been so helpful and supportive. Quistis had come to terms with her past. And now she was on a lunch date with Zell.  
  
Quistis smiled and lightly shook her head.  
  
"No thank you."  
  
Zell set his half eaten hotdog down and pushed his chair closer to hers. He spoke up.  
  
"Quistis…I, uh…" He stammered, trying to find the right words to say.  
  
Quistis gazed at Zell. What was he trying to say? Feeling her face warm up when she met his eyes, she looked down to her own figure. She had quite a ways to go before reaching her original weight. But Quistis wasn't too concerned about that anymore. She wanted to get in touch with her real self. The person inside her, that she was afraid would never return.  
  
"Quistis…we are all proud of what you have overcome. And…I want you to know, we all care about you. I care about you."  
  
He cares about me?  
  
Does he love me?  
  
Do I feel the same? Can I?  
  
Perhaps its time I moved on…  
  
Quistis eyed Zell. They had always appeared to be complete opposites. She, the sophisticated, serious one. He, the hyperactive martial artist. Maybe she had concentrated too much on what she couldn't have. And not realized what was always there from the start.  
  
"I'm not asking for anything in return," he said.  
  
"All I want is for you to love yourself. Do you love yourself?"  
  
Quistis pondered his question. You can only love and respect someone else if you love and respect yourself. She had come to better understand herself in these past few weeks. Since that day in the infirmary. Things do happen the way they do for a reason. Maybe, this was the reason.  
  
Quistis answered Zell's question by leaning over, and softly pressing her lips against his. 


End file.
